war

I don't know what I should write but my heart is so heavy right now. Have you ever fall asleep with a heartbroken? I did. Sometimes, I wonder if you ever crying secretly because of me. I wonder if you ever put my name in your prayer. Because I did. Perhaps, God already answered my prayer. I've always wanted things to work out, for you to understand. It's a very sad thing in life that we never truly understand each other, that we simply have to learn to believe things about one another, trust those who that have the ability to destroy us the most. you were so many things to me. So many possibilities. I never understood what it meant when you told me you cared about me just as much because I didn't see it. Today, you told me how much you cared about me but the other day, you push me away like I meant nothing. It's this back and forth, this struggle and now that it's all over, I do wish I just knew. maybe it would hurt a little less, I don't know.

You know, I think I started to lose faith in God a long time ago. I was always questioning myself. Why did He test us with things that He forbid the most? I asked my doctor the same question and I did ask ustazah too. But none of the answers satisfied me. I'm tired of having a war with myself. When I'm mad, I feel like I wanna kill the person who makes me mad and whenever I'm sad. I wanna kill myself. It feels like my heart was torn apart. I feel too much. I think too much. I love too much. I care too much and I get triggered too much. I'm tired of seeing different doctors every week. I'm tired of explaining what triggered me. The medication was supposed to help me control my emotion but I'm getting even sadder. I bet Chibi must be tired of listening to me crying loudly every night hahaha. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm sad. I'm just sad and cry all day long. I didn't eat. I didn't go out whenever I'm depressed. I isolate myself. Every day without fails, I beg to God to give me happiness, to lift whatever things I carried inside me. It's funny when I think back how am I trying to hold my tears just because I don't wanna ruin my make up hahahha. I just want to disappear. 

Sometimes, I'm happy you're not in my life anymore but most of the times I get sad. But, me being me. convincing myself that just because I miss you doesn't mean I need you back, missing is just a part of moving on. I've been replying some dm from the guy on it and I get boring so I ghosted them. I don't know maybe they were trying too hard or maybe I don't want to know new person lagi. Seeing their effort makes me remember the first time I know you. You're so full of jokes and that's why I was attracted to you. But, the spark is gone. The spark is gone dah lama. I wonder how we go through a few months of the relationship of being you know, boring relationship. The conversation is getting dry. I just wanna be appreciated and loved. I just want you to hear me. Come to think of it, I had no one to talk now other than some freaking strangers who trying to be in my circle. The things is, I don't want them. Why you never appreciate me. Why you keep trying to come back to me even though you know you're not in love with me anymore. there are huge differences between love and in love. You might love me but you're not in love with me. You know the other when you texted me. I told you to call me back. I was actually going to scream at you. I was mad at that time. So mad but I distracted myself. I brushed it off, and the anger is gone. I'm glad I didn't pick up your call otherwise it might me other war between us. I'm tired of crying, I gotta sleep for now.