Being with you

Remember I used to tell that I don't want any relationship with anyone well actually it was bullshit. I'm in a relationship with someone. I wanted to give myself and him a chance but I was wrong. He wanted it and I was so dumb. It is a toxic relationship. I know from the start this ain't works but instead of walk away, I choose to let him in when I should have run and ignored my feelings. It all started well and we both were happy in the starting months but soon everything shattered. The arguments added and he always compromised. But, I don't want to break up. I'm so scared of loneliness, I'm so scared not having someone to talk, I'm so scared to be left alone, I'm scared to start over with someone else that's why I choose to stay even tho I'm not happy with my relationship. What a fool.

I got so tired of being with him. He made things so hard that I could never catch up. I've tried to fix thing between us. It felt like I was begging to reciprocate the love I was giving when in reality, he will never change. There's one time when I was scared to death. I've called him but instead of comforting me, he chooses to ignore me. We always fight over little things. When I said fight, I mean a huge fight. There's one time, I don't tell him when I want to go out. I did it on purpose because I was mad that he did the same things to me (he will be mad if I go out without telling him first but it's fine if he did it). We had a fight and he curses me and he wants to break up. It feels like that I'm a slut. I don't mind if he wants to break up. I don't even cry. I lose interest when he starts becoming my problem and childish. Everyone turns into something that they won't. It is always me who fix things whenever we had a fight.

If I don't like something, I always tell him in a good way. "Baby, I don't like when u behave like this. Don't do this again in future, okay ?" but the replies make my chest want to explode! Hahaha. Yknow what it is? He said, "I don't care". Yes, he never cares. He just cares if things benefit him. But when it comes to him, when I did something that he doesn't like. It will be a war between us. This is not my first time being in a toxic relationship. I learnt a lot from my past but still, I choose to ignore what I've learned.

Yknow what worst the most? It is when you want to cry but you can't. The tears just don't come out because all that's left is something numb. My past relationship turns me into a cold hearted person. I always listened to sad songs so that I can cry but I just can't. I'm hurting but my heart has become so cold, it can't break. Why can't everything just work out for once? My past taught me not to get too attached to someone cause people woke up with different feelings every day. I build a barrier around my heart. I don't want to get too attached, I don't want to get hurt again. The pain is unbearable. I'm not saying that I don't love my current partner. I do love him but a part of me always in a safe zone. If things happen in future, I'll make sure that goodbye is not hurt as before and that the glimpse of my novel that I have tried to write. God must have His own plan.