Do you still love me?

These days, you're not talking too much. Well, at least not as you used to be. It seems like you avoiding me. Probably because of you mad at me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I'm being too clingy and needy. I tried not to be. But I just can't. I don't want you to be mad at me. I miss you so much. So, I listened to all the voice messages you sent to me especially the one that you sent on my birthday. I cried whenever I listened to it. I love all those things you said to me. It's beautiful. I just miss you so much. Are things between us are getting better or it's just the same? Do you still love me? Because if you don't, you should let me go. You should not let yourself suffered because of me. I have feelings too, sayang. I'm sick of getting my hopes up for nothing. I kept asking myself if I'm okay. Can I endure these feelings? I don't know. I don't know the answer or maybe I pretend not to know the answer. Maybe, i keep denying myself. I keep wanting more of you and the more of you that I want, the less you want to give me yet I can't stop. I get desperate, distant then clingy all over again. The more you push me away then the closer I want to pull you in. I think it's the same vice versa. it's just a constant tug-of-war between us, you want less or I want more but we never wanted the same thing at the same time.

We've never tried to talk about how I feel about you or how you feel about me, we don't do much of that, we never have actually. We've never been good with words, we fight and we make up. Ugh! Why must it be so hard to get over someone? I do love you but I'm confused. Where are this relationship going to be? I know, we're not going to marry yet but I don't want to waste my time with the useless and emotionless relationship. I date to marry not for fun. Tell me, do you still love me? We had closure before when you said you want to break up. I seem so happy. Remember? Well, I'm not happy. I'm hurting but I'm ready to let you go. I want you to be happy without me but you insist to give us time. I accept. For a while, things were going really well then it happened again. You should let me go when I'm ready because right now. I know I won't be ready to live without you. Don't you get it? I loved you too much. I felt like I could trust you so I did, I welcomed you into my life and my space. Share with you my darkest secret. I didn't think twice about it, you made yourself comfortable in the voids others had left behind. Before you came along, I felt empty, I didn't think much about myself. I hate myself so bad.  I wanted so badly to love myself more but all those memories hurt me. I was broken. I was so dumb. Maybe, I regret for letting you in or maybe I'm not. I don't know. Life sucks.

IM TIRED TOO

I guess I should know better by now, nothing I do will ever be good enough for you and yet I keep trying to impress you, keep trying to be there for you, present in your life when I shouldn't have to fight for a place to be in and if I'm being honest, I don't think you really cared. You just loved that I did. I tried to be the one that stayed with you through everything and anything. All the shit you do, all the venom that you spit. Not gonna lie, I'm not perfect either. I do make mistake also but for you, I tried to be. did you even try for me? Nope.... All for you, you were all for you too. we were never going to last. Been getting all the signs for a while now but I choose to shut my eyes. People say never give up, but sometimes giving up is the best option because I realized that I just wasting my time. I'm tired too yknow? You tell me you miss me one night, then you sharp me out. You act like you care about me, but then give short replies when you talk to me. You give me just enough to think you're interested, just enough to keep me hanging on, but then you pull me back. You drive me crazy, I never know what you want or what is going on, my mind spin in circles over you. But you're still the person that I want, so I make excuses for you. I make everything seem okay and that's what I hate the most.
You were fine yesterday and suddenly you woke in the morning and decided to shut me out? What is this behaviour? When I asked you, you keep silent. When I push you a Lil bit harder, I get a hint you were mad because of yesterday. Like really?  Oh, so you're the only one who can be mad isn't? You're the only one who has the feelings isn't? What am I? A robot? I tried to hold my tears when you asked "kenapa adik you pandai, you tak?", "sebenarnya you punca masalah tapi you bagi alasan and tak nak mengaku you punca". Imagine how I feel? Imagine how I tried f hard to hold my tears? Did I scold you? Did I give an attitude? Nope.... but what you did to me? You sharp me out for a few days? What a narcissistic person are you?! It was my fault, I was way too available to you. You knew that you could come and go as you pleased. You knew that I would always answer my phone. You knew that I would never reject you. I was sure your "safe place" and that's where I screwed up. I keep telling myself "never again" but I still find myself in the same situations feeling. I was wrong to believe you when you'd promised that we were in this together because it seems you're just same like others. I'm tired too Haiqal, not just you. I know that you still contact with your ex. But I can't do anything. This feeling is suffocating me. Why do you have to make this hard for me?