Break up

It has been 6 days since that incident happened. I accept you back but somehow I'm still stuck in that bubble, blaming myself, wondering what is wrong. Yes, I still can't forgive you and I keep asking myself if I really want this relationship because, to be honest, I don't think I can trust you anymore. Sometimes, I wonder what else did you lie to me? You see, betrayal can make someone lose their trust. I don't think I can pretend that shit didn't hurt me because the truth is, it still hurts. I told you what hurts me and you did it perfectly. My entire life I witnessed how my dad cheating on my mom and I keep praying that god bless me with a guy who wouldn't cheat on me. I was prepared, but it still hurt. I spend my night crying myself to sleep then I come out with a thought. No one could ever stop me from hurting myself if it is not me. I can't deny that I still love you. Just because I let you go doesn't mean I have other men behind my back. I don't. It just I don't want you to be scared of me. I want to see you happy and I can't be selfish. Like you said, you don't think this relationship can go anywhere. So do I. I'm the type to give endless chances and will always have your back even when you're wrong. If I ever give up on you. It must take everything left inside of me to finally let you go because if I love you, there's nothing on this world I wouldn't do for you. I guess you can see how much I go back to you even you did me so wrong so many times. Yknow, it sucks when you need to let go but you cannot because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen. Oh, how I wish you felt the same. I loved you so much that even when you hurt me, I tried to understand you. I asked to meet you because I want you to hug me tight one last time but you scared of me and it is not your fault. I was ashamed with myself too. My bad side is I have anger issues. Back then when I was in school, I had a bad temper and slowly I tried to change myself. I try to control myself but I can't help it if someone provokes or if I'm so mad. I might lose control. I'm so sorry, I really don't want to see me in that way. All I wanted is a hug from you.
I hope someday you will regret what you did to me. Not to be overreacting haha but I'm afraid if I spend my days crying. You once said I was weak because I cried too much that's why I had nightmares every night and that hits me hard hahaha. But it's my problem so I gotta deal with it. Somedays, I find myself revisiting those moments where we first met each other. How it began and how happy it made me. You used to sing Cinta Luar Biasa to me. It became one of my favourite songs because of you hehe. If only you knew how much those little moments with you mattered to me. You always ask me to find another man. I honestly hate when you said that. To build a new relationship is exhausted just look at us, it took a lot of fight and tears for us to be together until today. Please don't ever say that to me. Moving on is a process and healing consume a lot of times. Feelings cannot be changed in one night so to love another man during this process is impossible. I'm not that type who change my person like I'm changing clothes. You know what, I'm always confused with you like you always get mad if I accept another man on ig but you also did the same things sampaikan benda tu buatkan you curang belakang i. I confuse why you need to be mad for the things that you did as well. You always bring up the things that I lied to you which is I asked you to teman me pick up something padahal you tipu I lagi teruk. 3 bulan kot tapi cara you selalu macam seolah-olah yang I tipu tu lagi teruk and then you act macam nothing happened padahal you're the one yang cakap kita akan lost contact tapi cara you bergurau dengan I macam biasa lagi. Haiqal, I'm thankful for so many things that you did to me. You may be bad at words but you always there when I was sick or exhausted with my family drama. You never suggested me how to fix it or get mad to me but instead, you listen to my rant and remind me how strong I am. Thank you for being a good listener and a shoulder to cry on. You're the first guy yang boleh terima my family situation. I bersyukur sangat-sangat. 
I spent my life not sharing my problems with my family so I'm sorry if you feel uneasy with what I wrote. Kadang-kadang tak semua benda I boleh luahkan dekat my friends and I'm not good at talking because I end up crying or don't say what I want so I wrote everything that I feel. I'm sorry if it were annoying. You might see me post all those sad silly quotes but please bear with it. It's not going to be easy and it may take me a while to completely moving on so please bear with me. I know you don't want closure and you said "duduk diam-diam" hehe. This probably the last thing I wrote for you. I hope we never crossed path again in future because if we do, I'm not sure the feelings will be love, hate or mutual only. A year with you was a heaven and hell and today I finally let you go. Not every person who walks into our life is meant to stay. Sometimes, they were just a lesson for us. I don't want to let you go but everything has comes to its end. May you find a better girl for yourself. This year surely gonna be the worst birthday ever hahaha. I love you so much Hakimi, I'm sorry we end up this way.  p/s: Thank you sebab selalu send me sky pictures. I appreciate 💓

Cheating

Today, on 30/7/2020. You get caught cheating on me. Just right after we go out for a date and just like that my world just shattered. I'm not surprised. I already expected this thing would happen sooner or later. I just don't have any proof yet. But now, I don't know what to feel. What to do. I feel so numb, helpless and empty. Is this normal? I can't eat and I can't stop crying too. I'm at the lowest point of my life. There is no worse way of drowning than in unspoken words. Everyone keeps telling me "zatie, you're beautiful. You can find someone way better than him", "You have so many potentials in your life, please don't waste to a guy like him", "zatie, you can find someone else in a blink of eyes. Don't look at him. It's not worth it". The problem is, I know. It just I refuse to do that. The feeling is still there but I hate when I know he did that to me. The things that I can't forgive. But somehow, my heart still aches for him. They said, giving up is easy. Well, it's easy to say than done. It's like letting go of everything that's been keeping me sane and suddenly there's nothing to worry about. He left me for her, not because she was prettier or because she was more loving than me. He left because he's stupid. I guess it is when he refuses to stop contacting her and unfollow her on it. It's sad that I gave him my world and this is how he repays me. I helped him doing his assignment because I don't want him to be a failure or extend another semester. I want to see him be successful, achieved all he wanted in his life. My friends told me that I should not feel sad, I should not feel unwanted, it's his loss, not mine. But can we control our mind? Can we just stop this? We can't so we need to live with all those memories.
When someone cheats on you, he abusing your trust. He destroying your world bit by bit because when a woman builds her world while being in love, she makes everything about the man she loves. I give him my heart, my soul and everything I own. When he breaks my heart, it's not only my heart that breaks. He breaks my soul too. I was devoted to him. I'm not that type of person who'll track your moves to catch you red-handed but when you did this to me. You give me a hard time accepting myself. I thought I was strong but a woman's heart is fragile. No matter how much strong it becomes it still shows its crack. Losing someone we love is not easy. Never been easy. I was shattered but with all my pieces I tried to stand up. You ruined me Haiqal. I don't know how to forgive you yet I still want you. Only god knows how mad I am, I almost slapped your face but I don't want to be that low. I just want to scream out loud. You're so full of a secret. I wonder why this had to happen, why I had to break to be whole again but then I was the one who broke my heart. Because I chose to ignore all your mistakes. I can't help myself but think. What were my mistakes? What were the things that I lack off? Why am I not good enough for you? All those quotes you post are for her right? Why I still wanted you or maybe it is because you're the only who see all of me. It's not easy for me Hakimi. I hate myself for wanting you because it is clear that your mistakes can't be forgiven. I'm worthless.