battle

hello. im not good at communicating so I'm just gonna write it here. so, it has been 5days since I wake up from my bed and the day I'm writing this I'm still in my bed. it's a good thing that I can control my anger and probably don't have any anger issue dah but now I'm sad and god knows when im sad I'm gonna try to kill myself. these days was tough to me. I wasn't myself, Sometimes I slept too much and sometimes I don't sleep at all. I didn't eat, haven't shower. my room is a mess. I haven't got out of my room. I haven't seen my family for like 5 days I guess. I felt numb. I'm sad but I can't cry. I know I should be mad about certain things but I can't. I can't express my emotion. Unmotivated, useless, tired, empty. I've got a lot of things to do, a lot of assignment. but here I am laying on my bed. staring at the ceiling. I've tried to reach out to someone but these feelings are still here. I thought if I stick up to my medication, I won't feel this way again. it can solve my problems. it can help me get on my track again but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I'm the problem not everyone around me. Oh before you asked me what makes me sad, let me tell you. No one makes me sad, it's me. I don't wake up and choose to be sad but here I am. sad and empty. I don't know what makes me feel this way. everyone keeps pushing me to do this and that. telling me I'm lazy, that I'm a spoiled brat and all. I wanna cry fgs I just wanna cry and disappear. let this feeling out of my chest. No one understands me and I can't bring myself to tell my family because I know in the end they will bring me to some sort ustaz claims it helps cleanse my soul or something. Sometimes I just wanna they to know that I'm struggling too. Only God knows how I'm trynna hold myself so hard not to hurting myself again, not to die. it is so hard to wake up from bed, to take a shower, to eat because I simply don't care about myself and my well being. it is a constant cycle that I can't escape because I have no motivation. when im wake up I don't feel like doing anything. it's funny because I have these goals and ambition, something that I wanna achieve but I can't bring myself to accomplish any of them. like I used to make art, writing, going out, meeting friends, doing things I love but now I don't even want to clean my room anymore. im in pain yet no one notices me. I don't know what is wrong with me but I just want the pain to stop. im not doing well and I know that. I want to reach out but I know there's nothing to be done. some people keep telling me "let me know if you need anything" "call me you need someone to talk" but the thing is I don't know how to explain to them that I don't feel human anymore. im detached, uncoupled from my body. I want to wake up, I want to snap out of it. I look tough on the outside but inside im fragile. I have a lot of friends but in reality im alone. I thought my sleeping problem is the reason that I affect my academic but it's actually me. im the problem.