Draining

I've met a lot of people in my hoe phase. Some became friends and some became total strangers. Ngl, this phase can be draining too. I miss the feeling of having butterflies in my stomach. But, no matter how much I crave to be loved, to be appreciated. I'm still not ready to be in any relationship. The commitment scared me, everything about relationships makes my mental drained. I don't know how to accept the love that people gave me. I don't know how to react when people appreciate me cause I'm not used to it and as a result, I hurt those people that trying to love me. it's exhausting honestly. I don't plan to be in any relationship maybe at this moment. Right now, I just wanna be happy and healthy. I wanna be the old Izzatie who is cheerful and fun and not sad. I wanna be the best version of myself but right now, I'm still the worst or maybe not so worst version of myself. I don't want to hurt those people around me because when I'm ready to be in a relationship, I intend to make it last and permanent. I know I'm hard to love. I am so damaged to try and be whole again. it took me so much to realize that loving someone should not hurt and this time I promise, I'm gonna choose me. I will do anything in my power to not let people treat me like shit again.