Draining

I've met a lot of people in my hoe phase. Some became friends and some became total strangers. Ngl, this phase can be draining too. I miss the feeling of having butterflies in my stomach. But, no matter how much I crave to be loved, to be appreciated. I'm still not ready to be in any relationship. The commitment scared me, everything about relationships makes my mental drained. I don't know how to accept the love that people gave me. I don't know how to react when people appreciate me cause I'm not used to it and as a result, I hurt those people that trying to love me. it's exhausting honestly. I don't plan to be in any relationship maybe at this moment. Right now, I just wanna be happy and healthy. I wanna be the old Izzatie who is cheerful and fun and not sad. I wanna be the best version of myself but right now, I'm still the worst or maybe not so worst version of myself. I don't want to hurt those people around me because when I'm ready to be in a relationship, I intend to make it last and permanent. I know I'm hard to love. I am so damaged to try and be whole again. it took me so much to realize that loving someone should not hurt and this time I promise, I'm gonna choose me. I will do anything in my power to not let people treat me like shit again. 

Loud

My head is so loud. the thought of him betrays me drive me crazy, makes me lose my mind. I can cope with this. it's either he died or I died. my escape now is sleep. I wanna sleep all fucking day so I don't have to think about it. I wanna scream at the bottom of my heart. it suffocating me. I've been trying so hard to be calm down these past few days. but then, I just found out my friend betrays me. she chooses to side and tell him my secrets. fuck I hate both of them until I feel like I need to kill them. they don't deserve my kindness.