It's too late

That day, I finally dare to tell you that I want to break up. At that moment, I wasn't really sure whether I really want to let you go. You really did me wrong so I thought, I really need to take this opportunity before anything happens and I did it. I was so desperate at that moment. I don't know what to think, I don't know how to react. Everything is so miserable. I ask for a break up even I wasn't really sure about that. But then when I drew away, I realized it. I don't want to let you go. I don't want to be apart from you and I was like, oh crap! I caught a feeling to him and I know this is too late. I won't be able to be apart with him at least for now. I was terrified of what will happen in future. What if I'm not gonna able to survive? What if I will end up suffered just like my past relationship. Just thinking of it make me scared. I turn my car. I go to your house back. I was so sure with my decision and thanks, God. After that incident, you change into someone new. You're no longer saying harsh words to me, no longer insult me or being rude. You're changing and I was so happy.
But I guess happiness is temporary. No one will ever really change. You did it again. I was so dumb thinking you might be changed. I was so dumb to let you hurt me again and again. It was my fault anyway. I see the mischief in your eyes but I choose to keep my eyes blind. But who am I going to blame too since it was my fault? I keep bleeding because I keep seeing the good in him instead of paying attention to the red flags around you. Today, you broke my heart again. The pieces which almost heals is shattered into pieces again. You had no idea, how many times do I cut wrist. Everything is hurting me. You and my family. Sometimes, I keep having suicidal thoughts. I'm so tired of living in this chaotic world. It feels like I don't have anybody with me. It feels like I'm just living alone in this world trying to put my puzzle piece by piece. Am I still not enough? I did everything for you but am I still not enough?
It feels like a pathetic when I keep craving for your company and love. Why does love have to be this hard? I wonder why I fell for you in the first place? What did I see in you because right now, I keep searching for the loves and promises that you feed to me. It must be nice to catch a break from you even just for once. I do all I can for you, I do anything you ask of me but I get nothing in return from you. You only bully me into submitting to you. Build me up so you can tear me back down. I hate you yet I love you so much. I do everything I can for us to make things work but it always crumbles down to the ground. Nothing ever works out between us. Yes, I make a mistake too but I always fix it. You may never change despite how much time and effort I put into you, I believe in you and I can see all of the potentials in you as well but I'm so tired of you making me feel so fucked up. You seem to only think about yourself. A part of me hates you and another big part of me always love you. Maybe a lot more than you deserve. Pathetic isn't?

Tired

I don't know what you have been through. I don't why you always mad at me. I don't know what was my fault. I've tried everything to be a better person for you. But I guess, you can't change if someone doesn't feel the same thing towards you. I am sorry for being so clingy. Maybe, I was blind by your promises. Ah, yes. Promises. Those promises that you made to me. I know that choosing you was the biggest mistake. I know people change but a part of me still wanna make it works. Still wanna give a chance to our relationship. You don't know how many times, I wanna break up simply because of how you treat me. You've changed and I miss the old you but apparently, we're not the same page anymore so I gotta let you go. Maybe I am just so unlucky in love.

I can't keep up with your mood. Obviously hahaha. I've tried not to screw up our conversation and your mood. I don't want you to be mad at me. But I'm so tired of being with you. I'm so tired to be with someone like you. I'm so tired of a giving shit about you when you don't care about me. Im so tired trying to understand you. Im so tired of begging you to stay when all I wanted is to end our relationship. I'm just scared to be alone. I'm scared of the idea of people leaving me. I'm not complaining but can you at least appreciate me? Are u really love me or am I just fooling myself? Did you actually mean what you said, or were you just being fake like everyone else?

Maybe it's me overthinking but shouldn't that be such an easy phrase to say to me? I do admit that I have trust issues. I don't trust anyone except my best friend. My entire life shows me why I should not trust people even your own family betrayed you. If you know, you know. Sometimes, I would call you randomly on whatsapp just because I wanted to make sure that you're not on another call with anyone. Sometimes, I would overthink when you sent me your cute selfie of you going out. My head will always think, did you meet another chick behind me? Maybe I'm just too paranoid. I don't want to be an annoying clingy girlfriend so I just keep it to myself.

Being with you

Remember I used to tell that I don't want any relationship with anyone well actually it was bullshit. I'm in a relationship with someone. I wanted to give myself and him a chance but I was wrong. He wanted it and I was so dumb. It is a toxic relationship. I know from the start this ain't works but instead of walk away, I choose to let him in when I should have run and ignored my feelings. It all started well and we both were happy in the starting months but soon everything shattered. The arguments added and he always compromised. But, I don't want to break up. I'm so scared of loneliness, I'm so scared not having someone to talk, I'm so scared to be left alone, I'm scared to start over with someone else that's why I choose to stay even tho I'm not happy with my relationship. What a fool.

I got so tired of being with him. He made things so hard that I could never catch up. I've tried to fix thing between us. It felt like I was begging to reciprocate the love I was giving when in reality, he will never change. There's one time when I was scared to death. I've called him but instead of comforting me, he chooses to ignore me. We always fight over little things. When I said fight, I mean a huge fight. There's one time, I don't tell him when I want to go out. I did it on purpose because I was mad that he did the same things to me (he will be mad if I go out without telling him first but it's fine if he did it). We had a fight and he curses me and he wants to break up. It feels like that I'm a slut. I don't mind if he wants to break up. I don't even cry. I lose interest when he starts becoming my problem and childish. Everyone turns into something that they won't. It is always me who fix things whenever we had a fight.

If I don't like something, I always tell him in a good way. "Baby, I don't like when u behave like this. Don't do this again in future, okay ?" but the replies make my chest want to explode! Hahaha. Yknow what it is? He said, "I don't care". Yes, he never cares. He just cares if things benefit him. But when it comes to him, when I did something that he doesn't like. It will be a war between us. This is not my first time being in a toxic relationship. I learnt a lot from my past but still, I choose to ignore what I've learned.

Yknow what worst the most? It is when you want to cry but you can't. The tears just don't come out because all that's left is something numb. My past relationship turns me into a cold hearted person. I always listened to sad songs so that I can cry but I just can't. I'm hurting but my heart has become so cold, it can't break. Why can't everything just work out for once? My past taught me not to get too attached to someone cause people woke up with different feelings every day. I build a barrier around my heart. I don't want to get too attached, I don't want to get hurt again. The pain is unbearable. I'm not saying that I don't love my current partner. I do love him but a part of me always in a safe zone. If things happen in future, I'll make sure that goodbye is not hurt as before and that the glimpse of my novel that I have tried to write. God must have His own plan.