It's too late

That day, I finally dare to tell you that I want to break up. At that moment, I wasn't really sure whether I really want to let you go. You really did me wrong so I thought, I really need to take this opportunity before anything happens and I did it. I was so desperate at that moment. I don't know what to think, I don't know how to react. Everything is so miserable. I ask for a break up even I wasn't really sure about that. But then when I drew away, I realized it. I don't want to let you go. I don't want to be apart from you and I was like, oh crap! I caught a feeling to him and I know this is too late. I won't be able to be apart with him at least for now. I was terrified of what will happen in future. What if I'm not gonna able to survive? What if I will end up suffered just like my past relationship. Just thinking of it make me scared. I turn my car. I go to your house back. I was so sure with my decision and thanks, God. After that incident, you change into someone new. You're no longer saying harsh words to me, no longer insult me or being rude. You're changing and I was so happy.
But I guess happiness is temporary. No one will ever really change. You did it again. I was so dumb thinking you might be changed. I was so dumb to let you hurt me again and again. It was my fault anyway. I see the mischief in your eyes but I choose to keep my eyes blind. But who am I going to blame too since it was my fault? I keep bleeding because I keep seeing the good in him instead of paying attention to the red flags around you. Today, you broke my heart again. The pieces which almost heals is shattered into pieces again. You had no idea, how many times do I cut wrist. Everything is hurting me. You and my family. Sometimes, I keep having suicidal thoughts. I'm so tired of living in this chaotic world. It feels like I don't have anybody with me. It feels like I'm just living alone in this world trying to put my puzzle piece by piece. Am I still not enough? I did everything for you but am I still not enough?
It feels like a pathetic when I keep craving for your company and love. Why does love have to be this hard? I wonder why I fell for you in the first place? What did I see in you because right now, I keep searching for the loves and promises that you feed to me. It must be nice to catch a break from you even just for once. I do all I can for you, I do anything you ask of me but I get nothing in return from you. You only bully me into submitting to you. Build me up so you can tear me back down. I hate you yet I love you so much. I do everything I can for us to make things work but it always crumbles down to the ground. Nothing ever works out between us. Yes, I make a mistake too but I always fix it. You may never change despite how much time and effort I put into you, I believe in you and I can see all of the potentials in you as well but I'm so tired of you making me feel so fucked up. You seem to only think about yourself. A part of me hates you and another big part of me always love you. Maybe a lot more than you deserve. Pathetic isn't?