Trust

My mom used to ask why I built up a high fence inside my heart. Why it is so hard for me to trust anyone. You see, I grew up with a tough childhood. It's hard for me to trust when all I have from the past is proof why I shouldn't. Even your own family can betray you. I put my faith in my family but just like that, they ruined it. Tell me, how am I supposed to be fine when the first person who broke my trust is my own family? Sometimes, it is better to put your faith to a stranger rather than your family. Just like I did to you. I trust you, I put my faith to you. Telling you all my darkest secret and my pain but you broke it and just like that it was shattered into pieces. From that day, I can't stop myself from doubting you. I can't wait for an answer anymore because the longer I wait the more I think. I'm an overthinker so if you don't give me the answer, I will come out with one. I'm a mess of unfinished thoughts and tonight something is really off. It's either you lying to me or there's something you hide from me. From the moment, you got caught cheating on me. I became insecure. I always think you lying to me. Oh, I'm sorry I get mad because what you did to me. I'm so sorry, for apologizing for your mistakes. I'm so fucking sorry for trying to fix everything between us because all you do is blaming me. Pin all those mistakes on me. Makes me look like I'm the one who causes it. I'm sorry I got hurt. I lost myself in front of you so many times and no matter how much I try. I am going to be an emotional person in front of you. I can never trust you again because you broke it. I became needy, aggressive and insecure with you because of what you did to me. I can't risk my heart again and again. You hurt me so many times because you know, no matter how much it hurts. I will always be back to you. I will always be waiting for you. That's probably why you always took me for granted.

These past few days, you've been ignoring me, abandoned me and treating me like a stupid toy. I know you already lost interest or your interest probably with someone else. You know, I'd rather fixing a million things with you than to start everything over with someone else because that shit is exhausted. I hate myself. I'm so stupid when it comes to love. I would never give up until I forget to take care of myself. I should learn to love myself first because if I wouldn't. No one would ever do that for me. Gotta learn to undo my feeling towards you one by one. Do you know how much it hurts me to accept the fact that you continuously choose to hurt me, that you purposely do things without caring whether it'll hurt me or not? Have you ever thought about how much I care about you? How many things you do actually have an effect on my life and mental state? I spend almost every night crying because I was so hurt when I caught you cheating on me. I was so fucking hurt when you keep lying to me. I was so hurt because I'm not able to confront you even though I notice every fucking single thing. I don't know if you realize or not, but hopefully, this is the last time I'm going to feel this way for you ever again. Now, I'm waiting for my feelings to leave. I will always have so much love for you and I still do. But in the end, when I'm done learning to let you go and love myself more, you will never be able to have me anymore, (which is you don't care pun. You never care to fight for my love). You were poison to my heart and I am chaos to your thoughts. 

I still remember how it felt to fell in love with you. I still remember apologizing for feelings too much, for giving too much more than you ever need. Throughout a year with you, I wish I could tell you that you were hurting me and that was not actually okay. I even forgave you and let go of all the times you made me feel so unloved. I even let go of bitter things you said to me every time you upset about something. I wish i could tell you that you really scared me, loving you was really amazing but you destroyed me. I wish i could tell you that I know something is wrong before you could tell me. It was so naive of me to think that you would always choose me. You were the first person I built my hopes and i remember feeling so lost because how could you not love someone who always there to hold you when you felt stranded. You shattered me. Yet I continued loving you. I made so many excuses to cover up for you. I was aware of the pain you cause me in case you wondering why I'm still waiting for you even though you've been ignoring me. You know, I had so many plans for both of us. I want to create more memories with you but I guess it's not gonna happen anymore. To be honest, we were never right for each other. You needed a love that would withstand your anger and I needed someone who knew how to love. Someone who would never threaten to leave whenever they were mad. I needed to let my feelings go. I needed to get away from everything that reminded me of you. Right now, even skies remind me of you. You know how much I love the sky and you kept sending me all those pictures and now every time I look up the sky. All I can see is you. Now please do me a favour, take everything with you and before you walk away from my life. Pick up my pain and throw it somewhere on your way. I hate you but I love you. I wish we never met. I'm sorry and thank you for everything. A year with you was surely a hell and heaven.

Good bye.