A girl with mental illness

It has been a while since I wrote for you. Today, I choose to walk away from you regardless of how I feel about you. I know deep down, we don't work. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and that explained my behaviour towards you. Never once thought I suffered BPD, I thought I just had anger issues or depression but turns out it getting worse. It's okay, I don't blame you. It was my fault for loving you too much. Now, you do trust me when I say I never love anyone as much as I love you, right? I know you had enough of me, you had enough of my bullshit. All this time, I thought you're the problem but turns out I'm the problem too. I tend too overreacting at everything even though it was a small thing. I no longer had control over myself. I constantly need assurance from you and when I can't get what I want, when I insecure I will lash out, it's not fair for you. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to put you in a situation where you need to stay just because of your pity to me. I don't want to do that. I know you want to walk away desperately but you don't want to tell me. Perhaps because you're afraid of my reaction. So, I set you free. You can't fix me. This is beyond your limit and most importantly you don't understand how does it feel to be in my shoes. Feelings sad, emptiness, loneliness and anger but 10 times more extreme and painful. 

As I told you before, you're the main reason for what triggered me. You are my favourite person. The person I looked up to and the person whom I trust. I spent most of my entire life seeing how my dad hurt my mom, cheated on her again and again. I prayed I would never be in her shoes. I am too afraid of betrayal from the person who I loved the most and your betrayal just add more spice into it. I tau benda ni dah lepas. I know. But, the more I want to forget it, the stronger those memories came. I'm sorry. When I received my diagnosed the first time. I reached out to you and your reaction is just... I don't know. It must be so hard for you to be with an unstable girl like me. I cried and screamed out loud in my car, I can't describe what I was feeling. It easier for you to say "control yourself", "your illness does not define yourself" bla bla. I had personality disorder duh??? This is why I told you, we don't work. Last time you told me, you don't want me to be like one of your school friends. Crying and laughing randomly. You told me like it was my mistakes when I took 100% whenever I mad or whenever I had a problem. I didn't know that I was overreacting because my mind thought everyone would act the same as I do. We will never work because every time I mengamuk you will call me psycho, a freak, told me to go to the hospital and make me seems like I'm really crazy. 

How am I supposed to be okay even though you know about me you still don't understand? You still said those words? Your words and action are the things who drive me insane. I want to be with you but I don't think you want to be with me. Ugh, I guess I'm getting out of my mind again. I hope you find your happiness with someone else one day. With a girl who has healthy mental not like me, a girl who was too broken to be happy. I hope you don't treat her the way you treated me because you had no idea how much your action affect me. How much impact you bring into my life. I'm sorry if my existence was misery to you and I'm sorry for all those hurtful things I did to you. A part of me is blaming you because of what happened to me but the other part of me knows, it wouldn't happen if I don't love you too deeply. So, I am guilty too. this feelings today may change into hate someday. Being with you was a heaven and hell. Thank you for all things you did to me and I'm sorry if hate I hate you one day. I don't think you're ready to be with me.

i miss you, goodbye.