why

Today I had a counselling session. I told her everything that I was hiding from everyone else including Haiqal. It was hard for me to do that but it's now or never. But the things she said to me was like a struck to my head. She said that our mind is like an iceberg. We only show the world what floats on the sea. But underneath the water, they were huge things that we hide. The things that even ourselves don't know. She said the feelings I had, the anger, frustration, sadness were the pain caused by my father, not Haiqal. I was mad to my father not him. Those feelings that I keep it for so many years finally exploded. It only took one thing to triggered the anger and makes me overreact on everything. She said everything happened for a reason and God tests us with what we feared the most. But why? Why does He have to test me with something like this? Why does He make me think death is the only solution. Until today, I still can't see the reason behind all of these. IW know asking this is like questioning Him but seriously why?

-

It's has been 4 days we stopped talking. I spent almost everyday crying. Sometimes I sleep too much sometimes I don't sleep at all. I honestly miss the old me. The one who always smiling, never insecure, never overthinking and don't get angry too easily. Sure, my life before this wasn't perfect but it's better than now. I let him go. Now, if I'm being honest with myself. I never wanted to leave after the last text I sent him. But, seeing him ignoring my messages makes me think that he wants this. So, I set him free. I secretly hoping if he would call me but he's not and I'm pretty sure he already blocked me hahaha. I was hoping to see if he still wants me or still cared about me. I was hoping he'd fight for me to stay but until today I received nothing. He probably doesn't think of me anymore and that's fine as long as he's happy. The thoughts of him still hurt me too much. Everything hurts when it comes to him. I've been pulling myself together because I had to be in order to walk away from him. But, sometimes I don't feel strong because I still find myself missing him, every damn day. I wonder how he goes home after work on a rainy night. Did he eat, did he had a good time. Everything and it hurts me so much. I don't know who I am some days. I dont want to write about him anymore because he's not the memories that I want to remember but this is the only way to ease my pain. It's so hard for me to forget him when part of me is the person who hopes that he still loves me. I'm sad about the old me that I left behind, the life I could've had with him, us that never happened. I'll never know what he really thought of me. I'll never know if he really meant what he said to me the other night. 
The things he said to me the other night was like music to my ears. He said how he's gonna help me. How he's not gonna give up on me and being with me. I never thought he's going to give up too soon hahaha. It's okay, I dont expect him to understand either. I used to say it's okay to cry to myself but now I told myself to stop crying because this isn't me. This is my brain manipulating myself. I still remember I would look at him and smiled every time we heard a song he liked. but yeah, I think he thought that I'm crazy that I would laugh and randomly. I laugh because of him because I remember the funny and silly things he did with me or to me. If I only had one wishes. I'd wish to see him one last time. To be in his arms, to hug him again because he had no idea how much I missed him. It hurts how we left things because I know I wanted him but I wasn't always sure he wanted me. He made it seem like he did until it came to actually show me. He told me that he's going to be with me, hear me whenever I'm sad or scared. I told him what bothering me and he never pays attention. He didn't even asking or reply what I said. 
He has made a mess of me, of my mind, my heart and my existence. How I ruined my sanity because of one guy. But regardless of what he did to me, I'd still rather fix 100 shits with him than start over with someone else. That's how big the feeling I had for him. Sometimes, love doesn't always belong to us. It comes to that point where I realize saving my mental health is more important than holding onto someone who is no good for it. Yes, he was good for me in small ways and I did have a love for him and I still do. But he played games with my mind and made me question my self-worth all the time. He made me question my value, my dignity and the whole concept of what I thought was love. But now I know, I was never the one he wanted. I was just the one that he settled for. I kept accepting him back but God knew he would never the one for me so He allowed him to keep hurting me until I wake up. Isn't funny? I've always put him in my prayer. I told God to keep us away if he's never the one for me but yet I always accept him back every time God keep us away. Did God answer my prayer or I am too dumb to figure it out?
Dear me, if you happened to read this again in future. I hope you know. You are loved. Today might not be the best day but who knows if tomorrow gotta be the best day of your life. Pull your shit together, you got this. Never skip therapy, be happy and stop crying. Life doesn't end because of one guy. If you love him, you set him free and if he loves you, he will come back. Dont put your high hopes, just focus on getting your shit together back. Focus on your studies because you're not dumb. Don't get distracted over petty things. This is me telling you to fight your demon back. Don't let it consume yourself and took over control of your mind. You own yourself. Now, stop crying.

A girl with mental illness

It has been a while since I wrote for you. Today, I choose to walk away from you regardless of how I feel about you. I know deep down, we don't work. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and that explained my behaviour towards you. Never once thought I suffered BPD, I thought I just had anger issues or depression but turns out it getting worse. It's okay, I don't blame you. It was my fault for loving you too much. Now, you do trust me when I say I never love anyone as much as I love you, right? I know you had enough of me, you had enough of my bullshit. All this time, I thought you're the problem but turns out I'm the problem too. I tend too overreacting at everything even though it was a small thing. I no longer had control over myself. I constantly need assurance from you and when I can't get what I want, when I insecure I will lash out, it's not fair for you. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to put you in a situation where you need to stay just because of your pity to me. I don't want to do that. I know you want to walk away desperately but you don't want to tell me. Perhaps because you're afraid of my reaction. So, I set you free. You can't fix me. This is beyond your limit and most importantly you don't understand how does it feel to be in my shoes. Feelings sad, emptiness, loneliness and anger but 10 times more extreme and painful. 

As I told you before, you're the main reason for what triggered me. You are my favourite person. The person I looked up to and the person whom I trust. I spent most of my entire life seeing how my dad hurt my mom, cheated on her again and again. I prayed I would never be in her shoes. I am too afraid of betrayal from the person who I loved the most and your betrayal just add more spice into it. I tau benda ni dah lepas. I know. But, the more I want to forget it, the stronger those memories came. I'm sorry. When I received my diagnosed the first time. I reached out to you and your reaction is just... I don't know. It must be so hard for you to be with an unstable girl like me. I cried and screamed out loud in my car, I can't describe what I was feeling. It easier for you to say "control yourself", "your illness does not define yourself" bla bla. I had personality disorder duh??? This is why I told you, we don't work. Last time you told me, you don't want me to be like one of your school friends. Crying and laughing randomly. You told me like it was my mistakes when I took 100% whenever I mad or whenever I had a problem. I didn't know that I was overreacting because my mind thought everyone would act the same as I do. We will never work because every time I mengamuk you will call me psycho, a freak, told me to go to the hospital and make me seems like I'm really crazy. 

How am I supposed to be okay even though you know about me you still don't understand? You still said those words? Your words and action are the things who drive me insane. I want to be with you but I don't think you want to be with me. Ugh, I guess I'm getting out of my mind again. I hope you find your happiness with someone else one day. With a girl who has healthy mental not like me, a girl who was too broken to be happy. I hope you don't treat her the way you treated me because you had no idea how much your action affect me. How much impact you bring into my life. I'm sorry if my existence was misery to you and I'm sorry for all those hurtful things I did to you. A part of me is blaming you because of what happened to me but the other part of me knows, it wouldn't happen if I don't love you too deeply. So, I am guilty too. this feelings today may change into hate someday. Being with you was a heaven and hell. Thank you for all things you did to me and I'm sorry if hate I hate you one day. I don't think you're ready to be with me.

i miss you, goodbye.