why

Today I had a counselling session. I told her everything that I was hiding from everyone else including Haiqal. It was hard for me to do that but it's now or never. But the things she said to me was like a struck to my head. She said that our mind is like an iceberg. We only show the world what floats on the sea. But underneath the water, they were huge things that we hide. The things that even ourselves don't know. She said the feelings I had, the anger, frustration, sadness were the pain caused by my father, not Haiqal. I was mad to my father not him. Those feelings that I keep it for so many years finally exploded. It only took one thing to triggered the anger and makes me overreact on everything. She said everything happened for a reason and God tests us with what we feared the most. But why? Why does He have to test me with something like this? Why does He make me think death is the only solution. Until today, I still can't see the reason behind all of these. IW know asking this is like questioning Him but seriously why?