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It's has been 4 days we stopped talking. I spent almost everyday crying. Sometimes I sleep too much sometimes I don't sleep at all. I honestly miss the old me. The one who always smiling, never insecure, never overthinking and don't get angry too easily. Sure, my life before this wasn't perfect but it's better than now. I let him go. Now, if I'm being honest with myself. I never wanted to leave after the last text I sent him. But, seeing him ignoring my messages makes me think that he wants this. So, I set him free. I secretly hoping if he would call me but he's not and I'm pretty sure he already blocked me hahaha. I was hoping to see if he still wants me or still cared about me. I was hoping he'd fight for me to stay but until today I received nothing. He probably doesn't think of me anymore and that's fine as long as he's happy. The thoughts of him still hurt me too much. Everything hurts when it comes to him. I've been pulling myself together because I had to be in order to walk away from him. But, sometimes I don't feel strong because I still find myself missing him, every damn day. I wonder how he goes home after work on a rainy night. Did he eat, did he had a good time. Everything and it hurts me so much. I don't know who I am some days. I dont want to write about him anymore because he's not the memories that I want to remember but this is the only way to ease my pain. It's so hard for me to forget him when part of me is the person who hopes that he still loves me. I'm sad about the old me that I left behind, the life I could've had with him, us that never happened. I'll never know what he really thought of me. I'll never know if he really meant what he said to me the other night. 
The things he said to me the other night was like music to my ears. He said how he's gonna help me. How he's not gonna give up on me and being with me. I never thought he's going to give up too soon hahaha. It's okay, I dont expect him to understand either. I used to say it's okay to cry to myself but now I told myself to stop crying because this isn't me. This is my brain manipulating myself. I still remember I would look at him and smiled every time we heard a song he liked. but yeah, I think he thought that I'm crazy that I would laugh and randomly. I laugh because of him because I remember the funny and silly things he did with me or to me. If I only had one wishes. I'd wish to see him one last time. To be in his arms, to hug him again because he had no idea how much I missed him. It hurts how we left things because I know I wanted him but I wasn't always sure he wanted me. He made it seem like he did until it came to actually show me. He told me that he's going to be with me, hear me whenever I'm sad or scared. I told him what bothering me and he never pays attention. He didn't even asking or reply what I said. 
He has made a mess of me, of my mind, my heart and my existence. How I ruined my sanity because of one guy. But regardless of what he did to me, I'd still rather fix 100 shits with him than start over with someone else. That's how big the feeling I had for him. Sometimes, love doesn't always belong to us. It comes to that point where I realize saving my mental health is more important than holding onto someone who is no good for it. Yes, he was good for me in small ways and I did have a love for him and I still do. But he played games with my mind and made me question my self-worth all the time. He made me question my value, my dignity and the whole concept of what I thought was love. But now I know, I was never the one he wanted. I was just the one that he settled for. I kept accepting him back but God knew he would never the one for me so He allowed him to keep hurting me until I wake up. Isn't funny? I've always put him in my prayer. I told God to keep us away if he's never the one for me but yet I always accept him back every time God keep us away. Did God answer my prayer or I am too dumb to figure it out?
Dear me, if you happened to read this again in future. I hope you know. You are loved. Today might not be the best day but who knows if tomorrow gotta be the best day of your life. Pull your shit together, you got this. Never skip therapy, be happy and stop crying. Life doesn't end because of one guy. If you love him, you set him free and if he loves you, he will come back. Dont put your high hopes, just focus on getting your shit together back. Focus on your studies because you're not dumb. Don't get distracted over petty things. This is me telling you to fight your demon back. Don't let it consume yourself and took over control of your mind. You own yourself. Now, stop crying.