A letter for my doctor

Before you wondering why I wrote this. this is how I communicate and explain myself because sometimes it is easier to write rather than talk. 

Im tired of talking about him. sometimes I felt ashamed to talk about him because people might think im stupid because I let a boy destroy my mental health. im tired of explaining why he triggered me so much. what happened when my mood was intense. im tired of explaining everything about him. I dont want to remember anything about him but I know, it's your job as a doctor to figure what happened but then again im tired. sometimes I try so hard to stop myself from scratch myself and losing control in front of the doctor whenever we talked about him. it brings me so many memories and hatred. it's so tiring. I hate talking about him but there's no single day I didn't think about him. thinking of how much I hate him, thinking what should I do to destroy him, how he treats me, how he constantly bring me down, how he used me for his advantage, how he scolds me, called me whore every time we fight. there are so much more things that I didn't talk about because I dont know how to bring it on or I'm just too ashamed to talk about it. maybe one day, I would be ready. I hate when people tell me to think before I did anything when my emotions were intense. that's the most bullshit thing I've ever heard. im sorry if this is rude but that's how I feel. because I already told them numerous times what I feel when my emotions were intense but they still choose to give advice like that. and

Coping mechanism

I did try to find healthy coping mechanisms. I've tried so many new things. I go for walk, watching sunset/sunrise, exercise. start writing journals as much as I can. I was trying to be healthy and focus on myself and I almost succeed. I already blocked everything about him. I was trying to get a fresh start. at that time, I was so happy thinking I might be on right track again until I saw an article about him. that shit was out of my control. I relapsed again. I take a lot shit of pills, trying to escape from reality. I start smoking. I cut myself again after a year clean from that. I know I'll be damned. one thing about self-harm is when I start again, I will be addicted to the pain. I will do it again and again when I see my scars faded I will think oh just one more time and I cut myself again and it goes and on. sometimes when I think about myself. I see oh how worst I am now. I failed as a daughter, I failed as a person and I failed as a Muslim. I no longer recognize myself. I did everything against my word and im scared thinking of what's gonna comes next. what things will I do next? I thought im healing but all I did was distract myself. I hate when people tell me not to do this or that because I know damn well things I did were wrongs but I still choose to do it anyway.  before I went to sleep, I cried thinking why my life went like this. I just wanna be happy and healthy and be the best version of myself but right now im not doing well. I dont want people to know that im not okay but at the same time, I wanna be heard too. it's kinda lonely when you're at your lowest but you can't tell anyone and your family because you dont want them to invalidate your feelings. also, I hate feeling explaining what makes me sad. it's exhausting. im not healed, am I? I can't stop breaking and im so sick of not being okay. im getting worst again.

Suicidal

I didn't wanna die but I didn't want to be alive. it's not that I wanted to die because I was still scared to die but anything would be better than feeling the way I felt. sometimes I felt too overwhelmed with everything and I felt too tired to live and wake up but sometimes I felt great and I was enough. I dont know if I really wanna die or I just want to escape from reality. sometimes I feel like I just faking it because sometimes I felt like I was never enough and I dont deserve to live but then the next three hours I felt great. my will to live is already thin. right now, I just exist. I wanna die but im scared of hell.

why I didn't tell my parents.

it because im not ready yet. I am already a disappointment and I dont wanna add their disappointment with me much more. also, I dont want to see them blame their parenting skills or they took me to some sort Ustaz or whatever or I dont want to hear them nagging at me cuz I know I can't handle my anger when my mom starts talking. so I'd rather keep it to myself. my life is already hard enough and I dont want to add any drama. 

medication

the medication works very well with me. it did a good job. the pills I take to make me not sad. they make me feel nothing and numbs and sometimes I miss having those emotions and sometimes I stop taking them and I dont tell anyone. those emotions came back and I felt alive but it was not worth it. i felt weird sometimes when everything goes down and I know I should be mad or sad or disappointed but I feel nothing. I dont know how to react so I just shut up. those medications however did not help me to sleep. im still struggling every day to sleep and sometimes I had to stop somewhere because im too tired to drive. I had to take a nap somewhere. 

Draining

I've met a lot of people in my hoe phase. Some became friends and some became total strangers. Ngl, this phase can be draining too. I miss the feeling of having butterflies in my stomach. But, no matter how much I crave to be loved, to be appreciated. I'm still not ready to be in any relationship. The commitment scared me, everything about relationships makes my mental drained. I don't know how to accept the love that people gave me. I don't know how to react when people appreciate me cause I'm not used to it and as a result, I hurt those people that trying to love me. it's exhausting honestly. I don't plan to be in any relationship maybe at this moment. Right now, I just wanna be happy and healthy. I wanna be the old Izzatie who is cheerful and fun and not sad. I wanna be the best version of myself but right now, I'm still the worst or maybe not so worst version of myself. I don't want to hurt those people around me because when I'm ready to be in a relationship, I intend to make it last and permanent. I know I'm hard to love. I am so damaged to try and be whole again. it took me so much to realize that loving someone should not hurt and this time I promise, I'm gonna choose me. I will do anything in my power to not let people treat me like shit again. 

Loud

My head is so loud. the thought of him betrays me drive me crazy, makes me lose my mind. I can cope with this. it's either he died or I died. my escape now is sleep. I wanna sleep all fucking day so I don't have to think about it. I wanna scream at the bottom of my heart. it suffocating me. I've been trying so hard to be calm down these past few days. but then, I just found out my friend betrays me. she chooses to side and tell him my secrets. fuck I hate both of them until I feel like I need to kill them. they don't deserve my kindness.

battle

hello. im not good at communicating so I'm just gonna write it here. so, it has been 5days since I wake up from my bed and the day I'm writing this I'm still in my bed. it's a good thing that I can control my anger and probably don't have any anger issue dah but now I'm sad and god knows when im sad I'm gonna try to kill myself. these days was tough to me. I wasn't myself, Sometimes I slept too much and sometimes I don't sleep at all. I didn't eat, haven't shower. my room is a mess. I haven't got out of my room. I haven't seen my family for like 5 days I guess. I felt numb. I'm sad but I can't cry. I know I should be mad about certain things but I can't. I can't express my emotion. Unmotivated, useless, tired, empty. I've got a lot of things to do, a lot of assignment. but here I am laying on my bed. staring at the ceiling. I've tried to reach out to someone but these feelings are still here. I thought if I stick up to my medication, I won't feel this way again. it can solve my problems. it can help me get on my track again but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I'm the problem not everyone around me. Oh before you asked me what makes me sad, let me tell you. No one makes me sad, it's me. I don't wake up and choose to be sad but here I am. sad and empty. I don't know what makes me feel this way. everyone keeps pushing me to do this and that. telling me I'm lazy, that I'm a spoiled brat and all. I wanna cry fgs I just wanna cry and disappear. let this feeling out of my chest. No one understands me and I can't bring myself to tell my family because I know in the end they will bring me to some sort ustaz claims it helps cleanse my soul or something. Sometimes I just wanna they to know that I'm struggling too. Only God knows how I'm trynna hold myself so hard not to hurting myself again, not to die. it is so hard to wake up from bed, to take a shower, to eat because I simply don't care about myself and my well being. it is a constant cycle that I can't escape because I have no motivation. when im wake up I don't feel like doing anything. it's funny because I have these goals and ambition, something that I wanna achieve but I can't bring myself to accomplish any of them. like I used to make art, writing, going out, meeting friends, doing things I love but now I don't even want to clean my room anymore. im in pain yet no one notices me. I don't know what is wrong with me but I just want the pain to stop. im not doing well and I know that. I want to reach out but I know there's nothing to be done. some people keep telling me "let me know if you need anything" "call me you need someone to talk" but the thing is I don't know how to explain to them that I don't feel human anymore. im detached, uncoupled from my body. I want to wake up, I want to snap out of it. I look tough on the outside but inside im fragile. I have a lot of friends but in reality im alone. I thought my sleeping problem is the reason that I affect my academic but it's actually me. im the problem.