Pitch Black

There is no poetry to describe how i fell, 

like there is a hole in my chest. No amount of love could fill,

and people have tried,

they reach toward me

and think they're getting to me but they're only going through me,

soaring through my open wounds.

I was 5 when the sky fell and 11 when I understood everything,

the view became the same with my eyes closed, just dark,

and even with my eyes open everything seemed so blurry.

When you picture a suicidal girl, you picture the colour black.

You see her tears before you see her eyes and wonder if she's ever known a life where untouched skin felt more like home than scar tissue.

You wonder why,

How a girl who has the muscles to smile uses them to cry instead.

But, I'm good at looking like a happy girl because when you picture a suicidal girl, you do not see smiles and pink colours. You see scars and pitch black.

A letter for my doctor

Before you wondering why I wrote this. this is how I communicate and explain myself because sometimes it is easier to write rather than talk. 

Im tired of talking about him. sometimes I felt ashamed to talk about him because people might think im stupid because I let a boy destroy my mental health. im tired of explaining why he triggered me so much. what happened when my mood was intense. im tired of explaining everything about him. I dont want to remember anything about him but I know, it's your job as a doctor to figure what happened but then again im tired. sometimes I try so hard to stop myself from scratch myself and losing control in front of the doctor whenever we talked about him. it brings me so many memories and hatred. it's so tiring. I hate talking about him but there's no single day I didn't think about him. thinking of how much I hate him, thinking what should I do to destroy him, how he treats me, how he constantly bring me down, how he used me for his advantage, how he scolds me, called me whore every time we fight. there are so much more things that I didn't talk about because I dont know how to bring it on or I'm just too ashamed to talk about it. maybe one day, I would be ready. I hate when people tell me to think before I did anything when my emotions were intense. that's the most bullshit thing I've ever heard. im sorry if this is rude but that's how I feel. because I already told them numerous times what I feel when my emotions were intense but they still choose to give advice like that. and

Coping mechanism

I did try to find healthy coping mechanisms. I've tried so many new things. I go for walk, watching sunset/sunrise, exercise. start writing journals as much as I can. I was trying to be healthy and focus on myself and I almost succeed. I already blocked everything about him. I was trying to get a fresh start. at that time, I was so happy thinking I might be on right track again until I saw an article about him. that shit was out of my control. I relapsed again. I take a lot shit of pills, trying to escape from reality. I start smoking. I cut myself again after a year clean from that. I know I'll be damned. one thing about self-harm is when I start again, I will be addicted to the pain. I will do it again and again when I see my scars faded I will think oh just one more time and I cut myself again and it goes and on. sometimes when I think about myself. I see oh how worst I am now. I failed as a daughter, I failed as a person and I failed as a Muslim. I no longer recognize myself. I did everything against my word and im scared thinking of what's gonna comes next. what things will I do next? I thought im healing but all I did was distract myself. I hate when people tell me not to do this or that because I know damn well things I did were wrongs but I still choose to do it anyway.  before I went to sleep, I cried thinking why my life went like this. I just wanna be happy and healthy and be the best version of myself but right now im not doing well. I dont want people to know that im not okay but at the same time, I wanna be heard too. it's kinda lonely when you're at your lowest but you can't tell anyone and your family because you dont want them to invalidate your feelings. also, I hate feeling explaining what makes me sad. it's exhausting. im not healed, am I? I can't stop breaking and im so sick of not being okay. im getting worst again.

Suicidal

I didn't wanna die but I didn't want to be alive. it's not that I wanted to die because I was still scared to die but anything would be better than feeling the way I felt. sometimes I felt too overwhelmed with everything and I felt too tired to live and wake up but sometimes I felt great and I was enough. I dont know if I really wanna die or I just want to escape from reality. sometimes I feel like I just faking it because sometimes I felt like I was never enough and I dont deserve to live but then the next three hours I felt great. my will to live is already thin. right now, I just exist. I wanna die but im scared of hell.

why I didn't tell my parents.

it because im not ready yet. I am already a disappointment and I dont wanna add their disappointment with me much more. also, I dont want to see them blame their parenting skills or they took me to some sort Ustaz or whatever or I dont want to hear them nagging at me cuz I know I can't handle my anger when my mom starts talking. so I'd rather keep it to myself. my life is already hard enough and I dont want to add any drama. 

medication

the medication works very well with me. it did a good job. the pills I take to make me not sad. they make me feel nothing and numbs and sometimes I miss having those emotions and sometimes I stop taking them and I dont tell anyone. those emotions came back and I felt alive but it was not worth it. i felt weird sometimes when everything goes down and I know I should be mad or sad or disappointed but I feel nothing. I dont know how to react so I just shut up. those medications however did not help me to sleep. im still struggling every day to sleep and sometimes I had to stop somewhere because im too tired to drive. I had to take a nap somewhere. 

Draining

I've met a lot of people in my hoe phase. Some became friends and some became total strangers. Ngl, this phase can be draining too. I miss the feeling of having butterflies in my stomach. But, no matter how much I crave to be loved, to be appreciated. I'm still not ready to be in any relationship. The commitment scared me, everything about relationships makes my mental drained. I don't know how to accept the love that people gave me. I don't know how to react when people appreciate me cause I'm not used to it and as a result, I hurt those people that trying to love me. it's exhausting honestly. I don't plan to be in any relationship maybe at this moment. Right now, I just wanna be happy and healthy. I wanna be the old Izzatie who is cheerful and fun and not sad. I wanna be the best version of myself but right now, I'm still the worst or maybe not so worst version of myself. I don't want to hurt those people around me because when I'm ready to be in a relationship, I intend to make it last and permanent. I know I'm hard to love. I am so damaged to try and be whole again. it took me so much to realize that loving someone should not hurt and this time I promise, I'm gonna choose me. I will do anything in my power to not let people treat me like shit again. 

Loud

My head is so loud. the thought of him betrays me drive me crazy, makes me lose my mind. I can cope with this. it's either he died or I died. my escape now is sleep. I wanna sleep all fucking day so I don't have to think about it. I wanna scream at the bottom of my heart. it suffocating me. I've been trying so hard to be calm down these past few days. but then, I just found out my friend betrays me. she chooses to side and tell him my secrets. fuck I hate both of them until I feel like I need to kill them. they don't deserve my kindness.

battle

hello. im not good at communicating so I'm just gonna write it here. so, it has been 5days since I wake up from my bed and the day I'm writing this I'm still in my bed. it's a good thing that I can control my anger and probably don't have any anger issue dah but now I'm sad and god knows when im sad I'm gonna try to kill myself. these days was tough to me. I wasn't myself, Sometimes I slept too much and sometimes I don't sleep at all. I didn't eat, haven't shower. my room is a mess. I haven't got out of my room. I haven't seen my family for like 5 days I guess. I felt numb. I'm sad but I can't cry. I know I should be mad about certain things but I can't. I can't express my emotion. Unmotivated, useless, tired, empty. I've got a lot of things to do, a lot of assignment. but here I am laying on my bed. staring at the ceiling. I've tried to reach out to someone but these feelings are still here. I thought if I stick up to my medication, I won't feel this way again. it can solve my problems. it can help me get on my track again but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I'm the problem not everyone around me. Oh before you asked me what makes me sad, let me tell you. No one makes me sad, it's me. I don't wake up and choose to be sad but here I am. sad and empty. I don't know what makes me feel this way. everyone keeps pushing me to do this and that. telling me I'm lazy, that I'm a spoiled brat and all. I wanna cry fgs I just wanna cry and disappear. let this feeling out of my chest. No one understands me and I can't bring myself to tell my family because I know in the end they will bring me to some sort ustaz claims it helps cleanse my soul or something. Sometimes I just wanna they to know that I'm struggling too. Only God knows how I'm trynna hold myself so hard not to hurting myself again, not to die. it is so hard to wake up from bed, to take a shower, to eat because I simply don't care about myself and my well being. it is a constant cycle that I can't escape because I have no motivation. when im wake up I don't feel like doing anything. it's funny because I have these goals and ambition, something that I wanna achieve but I can't bring myself to accomplish any of them. like I used to make art, writing, going out, meeting friends, doing things I love but now I don't even want to clean my room anymore. im in pain yet no one notices me. I don't know what is wrong with me but I just want the pain to stop. im not doing well and I know that. I want to reach out but I know there's nothing to be done. some people keep telling me "let me know if you need anything" "call me you need someone to talk" but the thing is I don't know how to explain to them that I don't feel human anymore. im detached, uncoupled from my body. I want to wake up, I want to snap out of it. I look tough on the outside but inside im fragile. I have a lot of friends but in reality im alone. I thought my sleeping problem is the reason that I affect my academic but it's actually me. im the problem.

war

I don't know what I should write but my heart is so heavy right now. Have you ever fall asleep with a heartbroken? I did. Sometimes, I wonder if you ever crying secretly because of me. I wonder if you ever put my name in your prayer. Because I did. Perhaps, God already answered my prayer. I've always wanted things to work out, for you to understand. It's a very sad thing in life that we never truly understand each other, that we simply have to learn to believe things about one another, trust those who that have the ability to destroy us the most. you were so many things to me. So many possibilities. I never understood what it meant when you told me you cared about me just as much because I didn't see it. Today, you told me how much you cared about me but the other day, you push me away like I meant nothing. It's this back and forth, this struggle and now that it's all over, I do wish I just knew. maybe it would hurt a little less, I don't know.

You know, I think I started to lose faith in God a long time ago. I was always questioning myself. Why did He test us with things that He forbid the most? I asked my doctor the same question and I did ask ustazah too. But none of the answers satisfied me. I'm tired of having a war with myself. When I'm mad, I feel like I wanna kill the person who makes me mad and whenever I'm sad. I wanna kill myself. It feels like my heart was torn apart. I feel too much. I think too much. I love too much. I care too much and I get triggered too much. I'm tired of seeing different doctors every week. I'm tired of explaining what triggered me. The medication was supposed to help me control my emotion but I'm getting even sadder. I bet Chibi must be tired of listening to me crying loudly every night hahaha. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm sad. I'm just sad and cry all day long. I didn't eat. I didn't go out whenever I'm depressed. I isolate myself. Every day without fails, I beg to God to give me happiness, to lift whatever things I carried inside me. It's funny when I think back how am I trying to hold my tears just because I don't wanna ruin my make up hahahha. I just want to disappear. 

Sometimes, I'm happy you're not in my life anymore but most of the times I get sad. But, me being me. convincing myself that just because I miss you doesn't mean I need you back, missing is just a part of moving on. I've been replying some dm from the guy on it and I get boring so I ghosted them. I don't know maybe they were trying too hard or maybe I don't want to know new person lagi. Seeing their effort makes me remember the first time I know you. You're so full of jokes and that's why I was attracted to you. But, the spark is gone. The spark is gone dah lama. I wonder how we go through a few months of the relationship of being you know, boring relationship. The conversation is getting dry. I just wanna be appreciated and loved. I just want you to hear me. Come to think of it, I had no one to talk now other than some freaking strangers who trying to be in my circle. The things is, I don't want them. Why you never appreciate me. Why you keep trying to come back to me even though you know you're not in love with me anymore. there are huge differences between love and in love. You might love me but you're not in love with me. You know the other when you texted me. I told you to call me back. I was actually going to scream at you. I was mad at that time. So mad but I distracted myself. I brushed it off, and the anger is gone. I'm glad I didn't pick up your call otherwise it might me other war between us. I'm tired of crying, I gotta sleep for now.

why

Today I had a counselling session. I told her everything that I was hiding from everyone else including Haiqal. It was hard for me to do that but it's now or never. But the things she said to me was like a struck to my head. She said that our mind is like an iceberg. We only show the world what floats on the sea. But underneath the water, they were huge things that we hide. The things that even ourselves don't know. She said the feelings I had, the anger, frustration, sadness were the pain caused by my father, not Haiqal. I was mad to my father not him. Those feelings that I keep it for so many years finally exploded. It only took one thing to triggered the anger and makes me overreact on everything. She said everything happened for a reason and God tests us with what we feared the most. But why? Why does He have to test me with something like this? Why does He make me think death is the only solution. Until today, I still can't see the reason behind all of these. IW know asking this is like questioning Him but seriously why?

-

It's has been 4 days we stopped talking. I spent almost everyday crying. Sometimes I sleep too much sometimes I don't sleep at all. I honestly miss the old me. The one who always smiling, never insecure, never overthinking and don't get angry too easily. Sure, my life before this wasn't perfect but it's better than now. I let him go. Now, if I'm being honest with myself. I never wanted to leave after the last text I sent him. But, seeing him ignoring my messages makes me think that he wants this. So, I set him free. I secretly hoping if he would call me but he's not and I'm pretty sure he already blocked me hahaha. I was hoping to see if he still wants me or still cared about me. I was hoping he'd fight for me to stay but until today I received nothing. He probably doesn't think of me anymore and that's fine as long as he's happy. The thoughts of him still hurt me too much. Everything hurts when it comes to him. I've been pulling myself together because I had to be in order to walk away from him. But, sometimes I don't feel strong because I still find myself missing him, every damn day. I wonder how he goes home after work on a rainy night. Did he eat, did he had a good time. Everything and it hurts me so much. I don't know who I am some days. I dont want to write about him anymore because he's not the memories that I want to remember but this is the only way to ease my pain. It's so hard for me to forget him when part of me is the person who hopes that he still loves me. I'm sad about the old me that I left behind, the life I could've had with him, us that never happened. I'll never know what he really thought of me. I'll never know if he really meant what he said to me the other night. 
The things he said to me the other night was like music to my ears. He said how he's gonna help me. How he's not gonna give up on me and being with me. I never thought he's going to give up too soon hahaha. It's okay, I dont expect him to understand either. I used to say it's okay to cry to myself but now I told myself to stop crying because this isn't me. This is my brain manipulating myself. I still remember I would look at him and smiled every time we heard a song he liked. but yeah, I think he thought that I'm crazy that I would laugh and randomly. I laugh because of him because I remember the funny and silly things he did with me or to me. If I only had one wishes. I'd wish to see him one last time. To be in his arms, to hug him again because he had no idea how much I missed him. It hurts how we left things because I know I wanted him but I wasn't always sure he wanted me. He made it seem like he did until it came to actually show me. He told me that he's going to be with me, hear me whenever I'm sad or scared. I told him what bothering me and he never pays attention. He didn't even asking or reply what I said. 
He has made a mess of me, of my mind, my heart and my existence. How I ruined my sanity because of one guy. But regardless of what he did to me, I'd still rather fix 100 shits with him than start over with someone else. That's how big the feeling I had for him. Sometimes, love doesn't always belong to us. It comes to that point where I realize saving my mental health is more important than holding onto someone who is no good for it. Yes, he was good for me in small ways and I did have a love for him and I still do. But he played games with my mind and made me question my self-worth all the time. He made me question my value, my dignity and the whole concept of what I thought was love. But now I know, I was never the one he wanted. I was just the one that he settled for. I kept accepting him back but God knew he would never the one for me so He allowed him to keep hurting me until I wake up. Isn't funny? I've always put him in my prayer. I told God to keep us away if he's never the one for me but yet I always accept him back every time God keep us away. Did God answer my prayer or I am too dumb to figure it out?
Dear me, if you happened to read this again in future. I hope you know. You are loved. Today might not be the best day but who knows if tomorrow gotta be the best day of your life. Pull your shit together, you got this. Never skip therapy, be happy and stop crying. Life doesn't end because of one guy. If you love him, you set him free and if he loves you, he will come back. Dont put your high hopes, just focus on getting your shit together back. Focus on your studies because you're not dumb. Don't get distracted over petty things. This is me telling you to fight your demon back. Don't let it consume yourself and took over control of your mind. You own yourself. Now, stop crying.

A girl with mental illness

It has been a while since I wrote for you. Today, I choose to walk away from you regardless of how I feel about you. I know deep down, we don't work. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and that explained my behaviour towards you. Never once thought I suffered BPD, I thought I just had anger issues or depression but turns out it getting worse. It's okay, I don't blame you. It was my fault for loving you too much. Now, you do trust me when I say I never love anyone as much as I love you, right? I know you had enough of me, you had enough of my bullshit. All this time, I thought you're the problem but turns out I'm the problem too. I tend too overreacting at everything even though it was a small thing. I no longer had control over myself. I constantly need assurance from you and when I can't get what I want, when I insecure I will lash out, it's not fair for you. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to put you in a situation where you need to stay just because of your pity to me. I don't want to do that. I know you want to walk away desperately but you don't want to tell me. Perhaps because you're afraid of my reaction. So, I set you free. You can't fix me. This is beyond your limit and most importantly you don't understand how does it feel to be in my shoes. Feelings sad, emptiness, loneliness and anger but 10 times more extreme and painful. 

As I told you before, you're the main reason for what triggered me. You are my favourite person. The person I looked up to and the person whom I trust. I spent most of my entire life seeing how my dad hurt my mom, cheated on her again and again. I prayed I would never be in her shoes. I am too afraid of betrayal from the person who I loved the most and your betrayal just add more spice into it. I tau benda ni dah lepas. I know. But, the more I want to forget it, the stronger those memories came. I'm sorry. When I received my diagnosed the first time. I reached out to you and your reaction is just... I don't know. It must be so hard for you to be with an unstable girl like me. I cried and screamed out loud in my car, I can't describe what I was feeling. It easier for you to say "control yourself", "your illness does not define yourself" bla bla. I had personality disorder duh??? This is why I told you, we don't work. Last time you told me, you don't want me to be like one of your school friends. Crying and laughing randomly. You told me like it was my mistakes when I took 100% whenever I mad or whenever I had a problem. I didn't know that I was overreacting because my mind thought everyone would act the same as I do. We will never work because every time I mengamuk you will call me psycho, a freak, told me to go to the hospital and make me seems like I'm really crazy. 

How am I supposed to be okay even though you know about me you still don't understand? You still said those words? Your words and action are the things who drive me insane. I want to be with you but I don't think you want to be with me. Ugh, I guess I'm getting out of my mind again. I hope you find your happiness with someone else one day. With a girl who has healthy mental not like me, a girl who was too broken to be happy. I hope you don't treat her the way you treated me because you had no idea how much your action affect me. How much impact you bring into my life. I'm sorry if my existence was misery to you and I'm sorry for all those hurtful things I did to you. A part of me is blaming you because of what happened to me but the other part of me knows, it wouldn't happen if I don't love you too deeply. So, I am guilty too. this feelings today may change into hate someday. Being with you was a heaven and hell. Thank you for all things you did to me and I'm sorry if hate I hate you one day. I don't think you're ready to be with me.

i miss you, goodbye. 

Trust

My mom used to ask why I built up a high fence inside my heart. Why it is so hard for me to trust anyone. You see, I grew up with a tough childhood. It's hard for me to trust when all I have from the past is proof why I shouldn't. Even your own family can betray you. I put my faith in my family but just like that, they ruined it. Tell me, how am I supposed to be fine when the first person who broke my trust is my own family? Sometimes, it is better to put your faith to a stranger rather than your family. Just like I did to you. I trust you, I put my faith to you. Telling you all my darkest secret and my pain but you broke it and just like that it was shattered into pieces. From that day, I can't stop myself from doubting you. I can't wait for an answer anymore because the longer I wait the more I think. I'm an overthinker so if you don't give me the answer, I will come out with one. I'm a mess of unfinished thoughts and tonight something is really off. It's either you lying to me or there's something you hide from me. From the moment, you got caught cheating on me. I became insecure. I always think you lying to me. Oh, I'm sorry I get mad because what you did to me. I'm so sorry, for apologizing for your mistakes. I'm so fucking sorry for trying to fix everything between us because all you do is blaming me. Pin all those mistakes on me. Makes me look like I'm the one who causes it. I'm sorry I got hurt. I lost myself in front of you so many times and no matter how much I try. I am going to be an emotional person in front of you. I can never trust you again because you broke it. I became needy, aggressive and insecure with you because of what you did to me. I can't risk my heart again and again. You hurt me so many times because you know, no matter how much it hurts. I will always be back to you. I will always be waiting for you. That's probably why you always took me for granted.

These past few days, you've been ignoring me, abandoned me and treating me like a stupid toy. I know you already lost interest or your interest probably with someone else. You know, I'd rather fixing a million things with you than to start everything over with someone else because that shit is exhausted. I hate myself. I'm so stupid when it comes to love. I would never give up until I forget to take care of myself. I should learn to love myself first because if I wouldn't. No one would ever do that for me. Gotta learn to undo my feeling towards you one by one. Do you know how much it hurts me to accept the fact that you continuously choose to hurt me, that you purposely do things without caring whether it'll hurt me or not? Have you ever thought about how much I care about you? How many things you do actually have an effect on my life and mental state? I spend almost every night crying because I was so hurt when I caught you cheating on me. I was so fucking hurt when you keep lying to me. I was so hurt because I'm not able to confront you even though I notice every fucking single thing. I don't know if you realize or not, but hopefully, this is the last time I'm going to feel this way for you ever again. Now, I'm waiting for my feelings to leave. I will always have so much love for you and I still do. But in the end, when I'm done learning to let you go and love myself more, you will never be able to have me anymore, (which is you don't care pun. You never care to fight for my love). You were poison to my heart and I am chaos to your thoughts. 

I still remember how it felt to fell in love with you. I still remember apologizing for feelings too much, for giving too much more than you ever need. Throughout a year with you, I wish I could tell you that you were hurting me and that was not actually okay. I even forgave you and let go of all the times you made me feel so unloved. I even let go of bitter things you said to me every time you upset about something. I wish i could tell you that you really scared me, loving you was really amazing but you destroyed me. I wish i could tell you that I know something is wrong before you could tell me. It was so naive of me to think that you would always choose me. You were the first person I built my hopes and i remember feeling so lost because how could you not love someone who always there to hold you when you felt stranded. You shattered me. Yet I continued loving you. I made so many excuses to cover up for you. I was aware of the pain you cause me in case you wondering why I'm still waiting for you even though you've been ignoring me. You know, I had so many plans for both of us. I want to create more memories with you but I guess it's not gonna happen anymore. To be honest, we were never right for each other. You needed a love that would withstand your anger and I needed someone who knew how to love. Someone who would never threaten to leave whenever they were mad. I needed to let my feelings go. I needed to get away from everything that reminded me of you. Right now, even skies remind me of you. You know how much I love the sky and you kept sending me all those pictures and now every time I look up the sky. All I can see is you. Now please do me a favour, take everything with you and before you walk away from my life. Pick up my pain and throw it somewhere on your way. I hate you but I love you. I wish we never met. I'm sorry and thank you for everything. A year with you was surely a hell and heaven.

Good bye.

Break up

It has been 6 days since that incident happened. I accept you back but somehow I'm still stuck in that bubble, blaming myself, wondering what is wrong. Yes, I still can't forgive you and I keep asking myself if I really want this relationship because, to be honest, I don't think I can trust you anymore. Sometimes, I wonder what else did you lie to me? You see, betrayal can make someone lose their trust. I don't think I can pretend that shit didn't hurt me because the truth is, it still hurts. I told you what hurts me and you did it perfectly. My entire life I witnessed how my dad cheating on my mom and I keep praying that god bless me with a guy who wouldn't cheat on me. I was prepared, but it still hurt. I spend my night crying myself to sleep then I come out with a thought. No one could ever stop me from hurting myself if it is not me. I can't deny that I still love you. Just because I let you go doesn't mean I have other men behind my back. I don't. It just I don't want you to be scared of me. I want to see you happy and I can't be selfish. Like you said, you don't think this relationship can go anywhere. So do I. I'm the type to give endless chances and will always have your back even when you're wrong. If I ever give up on you. It must take everything left inside of me to finally let you go because if I love you, there's nothing on this world I wouldn't do for you. I guess you can see how much I go back to you even you did me so wrong so many times. Yknow, it sucks when you need to let go but you cannot because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen. Oh, how I wish you felt the same. I loved you so much that even when you hurt me, I tried to understand you. I asked to meet you because I want you to hug me tight one last time but you scared of me and it is not your fault. I was ashamed with myself too. My bad side is I have anger issues. Back then when I was in school, I had a bad temper and slowly I tried to change myself. I try to control myself but I can't help it if someone provokes or if I'm so mad. I might lose control. I'm so sorry, I really don't want to see me in that way. All I wanted is a hug from you.
I hope someday you will regret what you did to me. Not to be overreacting haha but I'm afraid if I spend my days crying. You once said I was weak because I cried too much that's why I had nightmares every night and that hits me hard hahaha. But it's my problem so I gotta deal with it. Somedays, I find myself revisiting those moments where we first met each other. How it began and how happy it made me. You used to sing Cinta Luar Biasa to me. It became one of my favourite songs because of you hehe. If only you knew how much those little moments with you mattered to me. You always ask me to find another man. I honestly hate when you said that. To build a new relationship is exhausted just look at us, it took a lot of fight and tears for us to be together until today. Please don't ever say that to me. Moving on is a process and healing consume a lot of times. Feelings cannot be changed in one night so to love another man during this process is impossible. I'm not that type who change my person like I'm changing clothes. You know what, I'm always confused with you like you always get mad if I accept another man on ig but you also did the same things sampaikan benda tu buatkan you curang belakang i. I confuse why you need to be mad for the things that you did as well. You always bring up the things that I lied to you which is I asked you to teman me pick up something padahal you tipu I lagi teruk. 3 bulan kot tapi cara you selalu macam seolah-olah yang I tipu tu lagi teruk and then you act macam nothing happened padahal you're the one yang cakap kita akan lost contact tapi cara you bergurau dengan I macam biasa lagi. Haiqal, I'm thankful for so many things that you did to me. You may be bad at words but you always there when I was sick or exhausted with my family drama. You never suggested me how to fix it or get mad to me but instead, you listen to my rant and remind me how strong I am. Thank you for being a good listener and a shoulder to cry on. You're the first guy yang boleh terima my family situation. I bersyukur sangat-sangat. 
I spent my life not sharing my problems with my family so I'm sorry if you feel uneasy with what I wrote. Kadang-kadang tak semua benda I boleh luahkan dekat my friends and I'm not good at talking because I end up crying or don't say what I want so I wrote everything that I feel. I'm sorry if it were annoying. You might see me post all those sad silly quotes but please bear with it. It's not going to be easy and it may take me a while to completely moving on so please bear with me. I know you don't want closure and you said "duduk diam-diam" hehe. This probably the last thing I wrote for you. I hope we never crossed path again in future because if we do, I'm not sure the feelings will be love, hate or mutual only. A year with you was a heaven and hell and today I finally let you go. Not every person who walks into our life is meant to stay. Sometimes, they were just a lesson for us. I don't want to let you go but everything has comes to its end. May you find a better girl for yourself. This year surely gonna be the worst birthday ever hahaha. I love you so much Hakimi, I'm sorry we end up this way.  p/s: Thank you sebab selalu send me sky pictures. I appreciate 💓

Cheating

Today, on 30/7/2020. You get caught cheating on me. Just right after we go out for a date and just like that my world just shattered. I'm not surprised. I already expected this thing would happen sooner or later. I just don't have any proof yet. But now, I don't know what to feel. What to do. I feel so numb, helpless and empty. Is this normal? I can't eat and I can't stop crying too. I'm at the lowest point of my life. There is no worse way of drowning than in unspoken words. Everyone keeps telling me "zatie, you're beautiful. You can find someone way better than him", "You have so many potentials in your life, please don't waste to a guy like him", "zatie, you can find someone else in a blink of eyes. Don't look at him. It's not worth it". The problem is, I know. It just I refuse to do that. The feeling is still there but I hate when I know he did that to me. The things that I can't forgive. But somehow, my heart still aches for him. They said, giving up is easy. Well, it's easy to say than done. It's like letting go of everything that's been keeping me sane and suddenly there's nothing to worry about. He left me for her, not because she was prettier or because she was more loving than me. He left because he's stupid. I guess it is when he refuses to stop contacting her and unfollow her on it. It's sad that I gave him my world and this is how he repays me. I helped him doing his assignment because I don't want him to be a failure or extend another semester. I want to see him be successful, achieved all he wanted in his life. My friends told me that I should not feel sad, I should not feel unwanted, it's his loss, not mine. But can we control our mind? Can we just stop this? We can't so we need to live with all those memories.
When someone cheats on you, he abusing your trust. He destroying your world bit by bit because when a woman builds her world while being in love, she makes everything about the man she loves. I give him my heart, my soul and everything I own. When he breaks my heart, it's not only my heart that breaks. He breaks my soul too. I was devoted to him. I'm not that type of person who'll track your moves to catch you red-handed but when you did this to me. You give me a hard time accepting myself. I thought I was strong but a woman's heart is fragile. No matter how much strong it becomes it still shows its crack. Losing someone we love is not easy. Never been easy. I was shattered but with all my pieces I tried to stand up. You ruined me Haiqal. I don't know how to forgive you yet I still want you. Only god knows how mad I am, I almost slapped your face but I don't want to be that low. I just want to scream out loud. You're so full of a secret. I wonder why this had to happen, why I had to break to be whole again but then I was the one who broke my heart. Because I chose to ignore all your mistakes. I can't help myself but think. What were my mistakes? What were the things that I lack off? Why am I not good enough for you? All those quotes you post are for her right? Why I still wanted you or maybe it is because you're the only who see all of me. It's not easy for me Hakimi. I hate myself for wanting you because it is clear that your mistakes can't be forgiven. I'm worthless.

Instinct

You never changed for me, even though you knew what you did that hurt me because I told you multiple times. You knew I wanted you. I told you I was in love with everything about you and I meant it. I was willing to love all your flaws, your weaknesses, your mistakes and all of the things you didn't love about yourself. I was willing to be there for you on all of your bad days and your sick days. I give you my entire heart, I wanted to give you all that I possibly could but you were so good at proving me wrong and this happened over and over until I realized it hurt me more knowing I wanted you when all you do is cursing me. You could hurt me so many times but I'd still come back to you. Running towards you. I know I'm a fool. That's the thing I hate about myself the most. When I fall in love, I fall too hard. Ignore all those freaking red flags. But that's exactly when you know you really like that person when you can't help but smile every time you talk about him. When he's the first thing on your mind when you wake up. When you started making excuses on how he hurt you. Pathetic isn't? My friends used to ask me why I always love the wrong ones too much. I don't know either. I know you cheated on me. Well, I may don't have any proof yet. I can feel that you're hiding something from me. If something feels off, it is. You know what, if what I'm guessing is true. Please just tell me. I don't mind to let you go. I don't settle for a cheater but please don't lie to my faces. Don't act like you cared about me and then curse me whenever you want. I have feelings too. There's a quote saying "you don't need to have sex to be a cheater. Once you start hiding text messages, lying about where you're going and who're you talking to, you're already on your way." I know I was a damaged person before I met you. My life was chaos. I know you feel burdened with me even just a little bit. I'm sorry if I ever make you feel that way. One thing that I realize is I end up in a toxic relationship because I don't stand up for myself early even the red flags occur. I let it slid because I fear to lose a companion. I was so disrespectful towards myself. I let you manipulate me, thinking it was my fault. I was so tired of getting hurt by you because you were the one who made me happy. You could curse me as much as you want. You can call me all those freaking names; babi, cibai, celaka, bodoh and all but you will always find me come back to you. I will always am. Will always be a loser and stupid. 

Do you still love me?

These days, you're not talking too much. Well, at least not as you used to be. It seems like you avoiding me. Probably because of you mad at me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I'm being too clingy and needy. I tried not to be. But I just can't. I don't want you to be mad at me. I miss you so much. So, I listened to all the voice messages you sent to me especially the one that you sent on my birthday. I cried whenever I listened to it. I love all those things you said to me. It's beautiful. I just miss you so much. Are things between us are getting better or it's just the same? Do you still love me? Because if you don't, you should let me go. You should not let yourself suffered because of me. I have feelings too, sayang. I'm sick of getting my hopes up for nothing. I kept asking myself if I'm okay. Can I endure these feelings? I don't know. I don't know the answer or maybe I pretend not to know the answer. Maybe, i keep denying myself. I keep wanting more of you and the more of you that I want, the less you want to give me yet I can't stop. I get desperate, distant then clingy all over again. The more you push me away then the closer I want to pull you in. I think it's the same vice versa. it's just a constant tug-of-war between us, you want less or I want more but we never wanted the same thing at the same time.

We've never tried to talk about how I feel about you or how you feel about me, we don't do much of that, we never have actually. We've never been good with words, we fight and we make up. Ugh! Why must it be so hard to get over someone? I do love you but I'm confused. Where are this relationship going to be? I know, we're not going to marry yet but I don't want to waste my time with the useless and emotionless relationship. I date to marry not for fun. Tell me, do you still love me? We had closure before when you said you want to break up. I seem so happy. Remember? Well, I'm not happy. I'm hurting but I'm ready to let you go. I want you to be happy without me but you insist to give us time. I accept. For a while, things were going really well then it happened again. You should let me go when I'm ready because right now. I know I won't be ready to live without you. Don't you get it? I loved you too much. I felt like I could trust you so I did, I welcomed you into my life and my space. Share with you my darkest secret. I didn't think twice about it, you made yourself comfortable in the voids others had left behind. Before you came along, I felt empty, I didn't think much about myself. I hate myself so bad.  I wanted so badly to love myself more but all those memories hurt me. I was broken. I was so dumb. Maybe, I regret for letting you in or maybe I'm not. I don't know. Life sucks.

IM TIRED TOO

I guess I should know better by now, nothing I do will ever be good enough for you and yet I keep trying to impress you, keep trying to be there for you, present in your life when I shouldn't have to fight for a place to be in and if I'm being honest, I don't think you really cared. You just loved that I did. I tried to be the one that stayed with you through everything and anything. All the shit you do, all the venom that you spit. Not gonna lie, I'm not perfect either. I do make mistake also but for you, I tried to be. did you even try for me? Nope.... All for you, you were all for you too. we were never going to last. Been getting all the signs for a while now but I choose to shut my eyes. People say never give up, but sometimes giving up is the best option because I realized that I just wasting my time. I'm tired too yknow? You tell me you miss me one night, then you sharp me out. You act like you care about me, but then give short replies when you talk to me. You give me just enough to think you're interested, just enough to keep me hanging on, but then you pull me back. You drive me crazy, I never know what you want or what is going on, my mind spin in circles over you. But you're still the person that I want, so I make excuses for you. I make everything seem okay and that's what I hate the most.
You were fine yesterday and suddenly you woke in the morning and decided to shut me out? What is this behaviour? When I asked you, you keep silent. When I push you a Lil bit harder, I get a hint you were mad because of yesterday. Like really?  Oh, so you're the only one who can be mad isn't? You're the only one who has the feelings isn't? What am I? A robot? I tried to hold my tears when you asked "kenapa adik you pandai, you tak?", "sebenarnya you punca masalah tapi you bagi alasan and tak nak mengaku you punca". Imagine how I feel? Imagine how I tried f hard to hold my tears? Did I scold you? Did I give an attitude? Nope.... but what you did to me? You sharp me out for a few days? What a narcissistic person are you?! It was my fault, I was way too available to you. You knew that you could come and go as you pleased. You knew that I would always answer my phone. You knew that I would never reject you. I was sure your "safe place" and that's where I screwed up. I keep telling myself "never again" but I still find myself in the same situations feeling. I was wrong to believe you when you'd promised that we were in this together because it seems you're just same like others. I'm tired too Haiqal, not just you. I know that you still contact with your ex. But I can't do anything. This feeling is suffocating me. Why do you have to make this hard for me?

It's too late

That day, I finally dare to tell you that I want to break up. At that moment, I wasn't really sure whether I really want to let you go. You really did me wrong so I thought, I really need to take this opportunity before anything happens and I did it. I was so desperate at that moment. I don't know what to think, I don't know how to react. Everything is so miserable. I ask for a break up even I wasn't really sure about that. But then when I drew away, I realized it. I don't want to let you go. I don't want to be apart from you and I was like, oh crap! I caught a feeling to him and I know this is too late. I won't be able to be apart with him at least for now. I was terrified of what will happen in future. What if I'm not gonna able to survive? What if I will end up suffered just like my past relationship. Just thinking of it make me scared. I turn my car. I go to your house back. I was so sure with my decision and thanks, God. After that incident, you change into someone new. You're no longer saying harsh words to me, no longer insult me or being rude. You're changing and I was so happy.
But I guess happiness is temporary. No one will ever really change. You did it again. I was so dumb thinking you might be changed. I was so dumb to let you hurt me again and again. It was my fault anyway. I see the mischief in your eyes but I choose to keep my eyes blind. But who am I going to blame too since it was my fault? I keep bleeding because I keep seeing the good in him instead of paying attention to the red flags around you. Today, you broke my heart again. The pieces which almost heals is shattered into pieces again. You had no idea, how many times do I cut wrist. Everything is hurting me. You and my family. Sometimes, I keep having suicidal thoughts. I'm so tired of living in this chaotic world. It feels like I don't have anybody with me. It feels like I'm just living alone in this world trying to put my puzzle piece by piece. Am I still not enough? I did everything for you but am I still not enough?
It feels like a pathetic when I keep craving for your company and love. Why does love have to be this hard? I wonder why I fell for you in the first place? What did I see in you because right now, I keep searching for the loves and promises that you feed to me. It must be nice to catch a break from you even just for once. I do all I can for you, I do anything you ask of me but I get nothing in return from you. You only bully me into submitting to you. Build me up so you can tear me back down. I hate you yet I love you so much. I do everything I can for us to make things work but it always crumbles down to the ground. Nothing ever works out between us. Yes, I make a mistake too but I always fix it. You may never change despite how much time and effort I put into you, I believe in you and I can see all of the potentials in you as well but I'm so tired of you making me feel so fucked up. You seem to only think about yourself. A part of me hates you and another big part of me always love you. Maybe a lot more than you deserve. Pathetic isn't?

Tired

I don't know what you have been through. I don't why you always mad at me. I don't know what was my fault. I've tried everything to be a better person for you. But I guess, you can't change if someone doesn't feel the same thing towards you. I am sorry for being so clingy. Maybe, I was blind by your promises. Ah, yes. Promises. Those promises that you made to me. I know that choosing you was the biggest mistake. I know people change but a part of me still wanna make it works. Still wanna give a chance to our relationship. You don't know how many times, I wanna break up simply because of how you treat me. You've changed and I miss the old you but apparently, we're not the same page anymore so I gotta let you go. Maybe I am just so unlucky in love.

I can't keep up with your mood. Obviously hahaha. I've tried not to screw up our conversation and your mood. I don't want you to be mad at me. But I'm so tired of being with you. I'm so tired to be with someone like you. I'm so tired of a giving shit about you when you don't care about me. Im so tired trying to understand you. Im so tired of begging you to stay when all I wanted is to end our relationship. I'm just scared to be alone. I'm scared of the idea of people leaving me. I'm not complaining but can you at least appreciate me? Are u really love me or am I just fooling myself? Did you actually mean what you said, or were you just being fake like everyone else?

Maybe it's me overthinking but shouldn't that be such an easy phrase to say to me? I do admit that I have trust issues. I don't trust anyone except my best friend. My entire life shows me why I should not trust people even your own family betrayed you. If you know, you know. Sometimes, I would call you randomly on whatsapp just because I wanted to make sure that you're not on another call with anyone. Sometimes, I would overthink when you sent me your cute selfie of you going out. My head will always think, did you meet another chick behind me? Maybe I'm just too paranoid. I don't want to be an annoying clingy girlfriend so I just keep it to myself.

Being with you

Remember I used to tell that I don't want any relationship with anyone well actually it was bullshit. I'm in a relationship with someone. I wanted to give myself and him a chance but I was wrong. He wanted it and I was so dumb. It is a toxic relationship. I know from the start this ain't works but instead of walk away, I choose to let him in when I should have run and ignored my feelings. It all started well and we both were happy in the starting months but soon everything shattered. The arguments added and he always compromised. But, I don't want to break up. I'm so scared of loneliness, I'm so scared not having someone to talk, I'm so scared to be left alone, I'm scared to start over with someone else that's why I choose to stay even tho I'm not happy with my relationship. What a fool.

I got so tired of being with him. He made things so hard that I could never catch up. I've tried to fix thing between us. It felt like I was begging to reciprocate the love I was giving when in reality, he will never change. There's one time when I was scared to death. I've called him but instead of comforting me, he chooses to ignore me. We always fight over little things. When I said fight, I mean a huge fight. There's one time, I don't tell him when I want to go out. I did it on purpose because I was mad that he did the same things to me (he will be mad if I go out without telling him first but it's fine if he did it). We had a fight and he curses me and he wants to break up. It feels like that I'm a slut. I don't mind if he wants to break up. I don't even cry. I lose interest when he starts becoming my problem and childish. Everyone turns into something that they won't. It is always me who fix things whenever we had a fight.

If I don't like something, I always tell him in a good way. "Baby, I don't like when u behave like this. Don't do this again in future, okay ?" but the replies make my chest want to explode! Hahaha. Yknow what it is? He said, "I don't care". Yes, he never cares. He just cares if things benefit him. But when it comes to him, when I did something that he doesn't like. It will be a war between us. This is not my first time being in a toxic relationship. I learnt a lot from my past but still, I choose to ignore what I've learned.

Yknow what worst the most? It is when you want to cry but you can't. The tears just don't come out because all that's left is something numb. My past relationship turns me into a cold hearted person. I always listened to sad songs so that I can cry but I just can't. I'm hurting but my heart has become so cold, it can't break. Why can't everything just work out for once? My past taught me not to get too attached to someone cause people woke up with different feelings every day. I build a barrier around my heart. I don't want to get too attached, I don't want to get hurt again. The pain is unbearable. I'm not saying that I don't love my current partner. I do love him but a part of me always in a safe zone. If things happen in future, I'll make sure that goodbye is not hurt as before and that the glimpse of my novel that I have tried to write. God must have His own plan.